by Jerry Davis and Mary Lou Moran
CHARACTERS:
SERGEANT THURSDAY: A veteran police officer
SHIRLEY SHELBY: The victim, a housewife and dog lover
TIME: The Present
SCENE: The front door of the Shelby home
THURSDAY: (to audience) This is the city—a whole bunch of people who usually behave badly, but not in a criminal manner. Today, one crossed the line into crime. They called me. My name’s Thursday. Sergeant Thursday. I'm a cop. Captain Sunday came into my office on Tuesday and said, “Thursday, we got a call on Monday from a Shirley Shelby to report the suspicion of a robbery on Saturday.” I went directly to the complainant’s home. A woman answered the door.
(Shirley Shelby enters)
THURSDAY: Good afternoon, Ma’am, I’m Sergeant Thursday.
SHIRLEY: You certainly don’t seem to be a sergeant. Are you really a Sergeant?
THURSDAY: I’ll show my shield.
SHIRLEY: Sure seems to be satisfactory.
THURSDAY: What’s your name?
SHIRLEY: I’m Shirley Shelby, that’s me.
THURSDAY: And do you live here at this location?
SHIRLEY: Assuredly so. I settled at sixty-six Circus Circle some seventeen years ago.
THURSDAY: Yes, Ma’am, I see. And what seems to be the problem after seventeen years at sixty-six Circus Circle on such a sunny day?
SHIRLEY: Someone swiped my Schnauzer.
THURSDAY: Someone swiped your Schnauzer?
SHIRLEY: Surely. Someone swiped my Schnauzer.
THURSDAY: When did you see your Schnauzer had been swiped?
SHIRLEY: I saw my Schnauzer Saturday.
THURSDAY: You haven’t seen your Schnauzer since Saturday?
SHIRLEY: Since six Saturday.
THURSDAY: Uh-huh. What’s your Schnauzer’s name?
SHIRLEY: Sir Sagramore Snappy Schnauzer.
THURSDAY: I see.
SHIRLEY: That’s his pedigree name. That’s not what we call him.
THURSDAY: What do you call him?
SHIRLEY: Saggy.
THURSDAY: Saggy?
SHIRLEY: Saggy.
THURSDAY: Is he?
SHIRLEY: Is he what?
THURSDAY: Saggy.
SHIRLEY: Somewhat.
THURSDAY: Does he like the name Saggy?
SHIRLEY: Surely.
THURSDAY: So, do you have any sense about who might have swiped Saggy?
SHIRLEY: I have suspicions.
THURSDAY: I see.
SHIRLEY: There’s this saleswoman who used to come by and visit him when she lived down the block. She petted him a lot.
THURSDAY: And what’s this saleswoman’s name?
SHIRLEY: Charlene Shipley.
THURSDAY: And does Charlene Shipley still live here on Circus Circle?
SHIRLEY: No, she slipped away six months ago.
THURSDAY: Uh-huh. And do you know where she lives now?
SHIRLEY: I think she lives over on Chartreuse Street. Seventeen, I think it is.
THURSDAY: Charlene Shipley from Seventeen Chartreuse Street.
SHIRLEY: Certainly.
THURSDAY: Has she been circling this circle suspiciously?
SHIRLEY: I’m not certain. I think I saw her automobile in the neighborhood.
THURSDAY: I see. What kind of car does she drive?
SHIRLEY: A silver Chevy sedan.
THURSDAY: Are you sure Charlene Shipley from seventeen Chartreuse Street has a silver Chevy sedan to drive around Circus Circle?
SHIRLEY: Certainly.
THURSDAY: What makes you think Charlene Shipley swipes Schnauzers?
SHIRLEY: She already has two dogs, I don’t know where she got them.
THURSDAY: Are both her dogs Schnauzers?
SHIRLEY: No, she has one Shih Tzu and one Shar Pei.
THURSDAY: So you think she wants to add a Schnauzer to her Shih Tzu and Shar Pei?
SHIRLEY: Sure. She’s sneaky.
THURSDAY: So, did you actually see Charlene Shipley with her Shih Tzu and Shar Pei from seventeen Chartreuse Street circling sixty-six Circus Circle in her silver Chevy sedan?
SHIRLEY: I thought so. There might have been a Shetland Sheepdog, too.
THURSDAY: Just the facts, Ma’am. Where do you think Charlene Shipley took Saggy Schnauzer in her silver Chevy sedan?
SHIRLEY: I think she goes to a summer spa in Silver City in her silver Chevy sedan.
THURSDAY: So, you think Charlene Shipley took Saggy Schnauzer with her Shih Tzu and Shar Pei and maybe a Shetland Sheepdog from seventeen Chartreuse Street to a summer spa in Silver City in her silver Chevy sedan?
SHIRLEY: Surely. And you know what?
THURSDAY: What’s that?
SHIRLEY: If Charlene Shipley took Saggy Schnauzer with her Shih Tzu and Shar Pei and maybe a Shetland Sheepdog from seventeen Chartreuse Street to a summer spa in Silver City in her silver Chevy sedan. . .
THURSDAY: Yes?
SHIRLEY: I’ll slap her silly!
NOTE: This short play for Readers’ Theater originally appeared in Skits and Plays for Clubs and Organizations, Collection #1, published by UpStageLeft Press.
PERFORMANCE: We ask you to buy a copy of the book in lieu of performance royalties. The book is available from Amazon, B&N, Books-A Million, and any bookstore. Please play fair with the authors. Thanks.
